How to fight a giant (AKA Barkley Fall Classic)

Fighting a giant is no easy task.  It will hammer you with blow after blow, leaving you yelping in pain and moaning with agony.  However, should you find yourself in the unfortunate circumstance of fighting a giant, I offer these words of reality that probably will not help you.  After all, you already signed up or are considering registering for the Barkley Fall Classic, proving that you are incapable of sound reasoning.

1. The giant always wins the fight

Unless you are David, God’s chosen one, you will not defeat the giant.  Even if you were, a smooth rock won’t do you much good in Wartburg, TN.  The best that you can hope for is to stay alive and find yourself hobbling away at the end of the day.  Even if you beat all the other humans, the giant will still win.  He will be there tomorrow, next year, and the year after – waiting to unleash holy terror on you should you choose to test him again.

2. Giants are sneaky

Yes, he can swat you down with a mighty blow from Rat Jaw, but he would rather toy with you.  He will give you false summits to raise your hopes up and then cut them down with an emerging vision of another seemingly impossible climb. And then when you have climbed to the top and let out a sigh of relief, he will pulverize your knees and hips with a completely different, but just as unbearable type of pain.

3. Giants are big fat liars

Never ever believe a giant. He will tell you that Testicle Spectacle and Rat Jaw occurring early in the race is a good thing and laugh while you take pleasure in your false hopes. He will let you think that the next checkpoint is close, but in reality it will be much further.

4.  Walk away

If by some chance, you are still alive at the end of the fight, don’t curse the giant, don’t challenge the giant, just take your medal, turn around, and walk away.

Of course, we both know that you don’t listen to reason, so this sign right before the turn to the finish line is appropriate.

Congrats if you fought the giant that was the 2017 Barkley and were one of the 120 50K finishers or even a marathon finisher. Even if you DNF’ed, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s hard to fight a giant.

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